Prepare to be Eaten
by septasonicxx
Summary: Hope Muffin embarks on a MISSION to get into the library and finish copying notes for her Potions assignment after Draco gets her banned for the day. But will he let her get away with it? Will Madame Pince catch her? Crack. Humour. Enjoy!


**Pairing:** Intended to be Hope Muffin/Draco Malfoy but nothing really happens.**  
>Setting:<strong> Hogwarts**  
>Disclaimer:<strong> Hope Muffin and Natalie Johns are my own characters and you cannot have them. Everyone/thing else belongs to Jo Rowling.**  
>Genre:<strong> HUMOUR. I mean this literally. I'm only posting this because it made me laugh again.

A/N: This was originally written early last year, intended to be a collaboration between myself and my best friend Mya. I posted it up on our joint Quizilla account but when I found it again today decided I would post it on ffnet and deviantart for you guys to enjoy. It's a random, cracky, OC-centred HP one-shot. I hope you enjoy it!

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><p>I tapped my wand against the library desk in absolute boredom, wondering what I was going to do about my Potions assignment which was driving me nuts. I couldn't concentrate at all, so how was I supposed to get it done?<p>

At least I wasn't in Ravenclaw. Those students were always expected to whip up amazing pieces of work no matter what it was on. Being in Ravenclaw must be really stressful, with all the students competing against each other for the top mark!

With a sigh, I looked around to see if there was anyone else interesting in the library right now, because I wanted to procrastinate and talking to someone was the best way to do that.

If only the Weasley twins still went to the school. But they were too old now anyway, despite the fact that they had dropped out early.

Suddenly, the doors to the library opened and Draco Malfoy walked in with Pansy Parkinson walking along beside him. I rolled my eyes with a groan and looked away, hoping he would mind his own business and not try to annoy anyone.

"Hey, Muffin!"

Unfortunately, he wasn't in that sort of a mood. And naturally, being a Gryffindor, I was someone for him to pick on.

Yes, my last name is Muffin.

Shut. Up.

"What do you want, Ferret-face?" I asked angrily, annoyed just because of his presence and that he had reminded me of my own last name.

"I heard your sister got rejected by her crush a few days ago. What does that say for the family, ey?" he sneered, ignoring my jibe about his appearance.

"It might interest you to know that I don't have a sister, Malfoy," I pointed out with a raised eyebrow at his stupidity. Honestly, how thick could a guy get?

"Ha-ha," Malfoy said.

"Was that meant to be a comeback?" I asked curiously, wondering what had suddenly happened to his brain.

"Of course it was!" Pansy piped up, putting her hands on her hips as she defended her boyfriend.

"Quiet Pansy," Malfoy snapped quickly. "Muffin, I suggest you get up."

"Why would I want to do that?" I asked with a frown. "I like this seat, thank you very much."

"Well I'm afraid I want to sit in that seat now, so you're going to have to move," Malfoy said snottily before shoving his nose in the air. Pansy was looking up at him in awe while I tried not to vomit.

"Get off your high-and-mighty stool Malfoy!" I shouted at him, earning a very hard glare from Madame Pince since I had just interrupted the sacred silence of the library.

"Just get off the chair and nobody will get hurt," Malfoy said with a growl. "I have to finish my Potions assignment before class.

"So do I!" I exclaimed, astonished that he could be so stupid. "Why don't you just pick one of those seats over there? They are perfectly available, you do realise?"

"But I want to sit in this seat, so I will!"

Malfoy suddenly moved over and grabbed the shoulder of my robe, attempting to yank me from my chair.

With a squeak I began scratching at his hand to try and make him let go of me, feeling myself drop back into my chair again as he let out a cry and stepped backwards.

Suddenly Madame Pince was upon us and we froze, staring at her with horror in our eyes.

"You," she pointed at me. "And you," she pointed at Malfoy. "Are to leave the library right now and not to come back until tomorrow. If you have not borrowed these books yet, you may not take them with you."

"Can't I just borrow them now?" I asked, looking down at the books which I needed for my assignment.

"No."

With that, she waited until I had gathered my belongings and trudged towards the door with Malfoy beside me. Pansy had seized the opportunity and sat down with my books so that she might be able to get some good marks on her assignment. Grrrr.

"This is all your fault," Malfoy said when we were outside the doors.

"My fault? How is this my fault? You're the one who couldn't stand to just find your own seat!" I yelled at him in disbelief. Honestly, what had I done wrong? Nothing!

"Whatever, Muffin," Malfoy said with a sigh. "You owe me for making me fail my assignment."

"You haven't failed yet, and I don't owe you anything!" I snapped, folding my arms stubbornly.

Malfoy shook his head and didn't respond, simply walking away silently. I wished he would say something else so I could yell at him again, but maybe I could do that later.

So I began making my own way to the Gryffindor common room so that I might be able to talk to Hermione about the Potions assignment and see if she could help me out with it since I wasn't allowed back into the library.

As I rounded a corner, however, I was stopped by Ritchie Coote, a fellow Beater on the Gryffindor team. Jimmy Peakes, who had been Beater before me, was now only a substitute. Take that.

"Hope! You ready for the game on Friday?" he asked excitedly.

"Absolutely, Ritchie!" I said with a nod of my head and an enthusiastic smile. "I can't wait to wipe the smiles off the Slytherin teams faces."

"Yeah, it'll be awesome! Anyway, Harry says we'll be practising late tonight to make sure we're totally ready for what happens." Ritchie informed me.

"How late is late?" I enquired.

"He said we'd probably be starting at around eight. Could be later if people have other things they have to do and only show up after that." Ritchie shrugged.

"Alright." I nodded in understanding and then Ritchie walked past me, probably going to the library.

I continued to the common room and couldn't help but smile. Quidditch was awesome and I was so glad I was a Beater on the team. I wasn't as good as Fred or George, but I was better than Crabbe and Goyle put together!

But I also had to admit that I was smiling because I was excited to get a chance at whacking a Bludger at Malfoy's head. That would definitely be a wonderful moment. I could picture his face covered in shock as he thought about how he was about to be greatly disfigured and-

"Whoa! Muffin!"

I stumbled back and then looked up to see the Slytherin Keeper, Miles Bletchley, who had walked right into me.

A grin broke out across his face and suddenly he was laughing.

"Muffin, what a name, oh that cracks me up!" he managed to say.

"If you're done, could I leave?" I asked sweetly. I didn't want to hang around just to have someone laugh at my last name.

"Yeah, whatever. Just be prepared to be _eaten_ on Friday, Muffin!"

Bletchley burst out laughing again and began to walk away. I let him. It was a stupid joke, anyway.

When I finally reached the common room and went in, I looked around eagerly for Hermione. There! She was sitting at the table with Potions books open all around her and writing furiously with her quill.

Not so good. She hated being disturbed.

But surely she would understand when I explained my problem? Your enemy's enemy is your friend, so they say. Once she heard about Malfoy, hopefully she'd be willing to help out.

"Hermione!" I said, sitting down across from her. "You won't believe it! I was in the library and I was trying to work, but then _Malfoy_ came along and he was all, 'you have to move because I want to sit there!' Then I was all, 'excuse me, I'm not moving! Find your own seat!'"

I was about to keep going when I realised Hermione and gathered her stuff together rather quickly and was muttering something like, "too much noise" and "library is quiet".

In two seconds she was gone. So much for that plan. I should have tried a different approach.

"Hope!"

My best friend came bouncing down the stairs then and ran over to me excitedly. Now, my best friend is Natalie Johns and has this incredible, bright red hair. It tends to stick up everywhere and she never bothers trying to tame it at all, so she's completely opposite to me with my straight brown hair.

"Nat!" I replied as she skidded to a stop in front of me.

"You'll never believe what happened! The Weird Sisters split up!" she gushed, looking absolutely horrified. That was when I noticed the Witch Weekly magazine in her hand.

"Are you serious?" I gasped, pulling the magazine out of her hands and hurriedly searching through the pages.

I stopped searching when I realised she was grinning.

"Tricked ya!" she laughed, turning and running back to the dorms.

With a groan, I threw the magazine down on the table. The Weird Sisters were awesome! How dare Natalie trick me into thinking they'd split up?

Deciding that I couldn't hang around here any longer because I was only wasting me time, I decided to go back to the library and try and hide from Madame Pince. I _really_ needed to get my assignment finished.

So, with a smile on my face, I began running.

Just as I was reaching the library doors and beginning to slow, I noticed someone else exiting.

"Malfoy!" I exclaimed, skidding to a complete stop. How had he gotten back in there?

"Yes, Muffin?" he asked with a smirk.

"You're not allowed in there!" I snapped, pointing at him accusingly.

"Well I'm not in there, am I?" he asked cheekily. "And you weren't planning on trying to sneak back in, by any chance, were you?"

"Of course not!" I lied. "But what were you doing in there?"

Walking towards me, he leant down so that he was at my height – so I'm a little on the short side, your point is? – and then whispered, "Wouldn't you like to know?"

After that, he walked off.

I was so angry at him. Did he seriously think he could just walk back into the library and not get thrown out? Wait, wait. Maybe he was walking back out again because Madame Pince caught him! Yeah!

Sucked in, Malfoy!

I could just imagine his face when I turned up to Potions with a wonderfully completed assignment and he had almost nothing.

So, flicking my hair back over my shoulder, I smiled and approached the library doors, ready to prove to him that I would be able to not get caught.

Let the games begin.

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><p>The door to the library creaked when I opened it slightly and I cringed, my face screwing up in a strange expression as I waited to see Madame Pince come running over and telling me to leave.<p>

Nothing happened.

So, quite bravely, I opened the door further and inched inside, my heart pounding with adrenaline inside my chest.

The door clicked shut behind me and I knew there was no turning back now. I had to find the books _fast_ and copy notes in _record time_ so that I could leave the library with them and then write up the rest of my assignment beautifully to hand in the next day.

I stepped slowly from the doorway to the first table. There was no one sitting there and I wondered where Pansy had gone for a moment before I heard footsteps and dropped to the floor, rolling under the table and waiting, breath held, for something to happen.

I could see a student's feet as they walked past my hiding place and was greatly relieved when they left. I was safe for a bit longer.

Coming out from under the table, I began crawling my way towards where I had first retrieved the books I had been reading before. Perhaps Madame Pince had taken them from Pansy and put them back where they belonged? Hopefully that was the case.

I encountered five more students on my way there and soon became skilled in the art of rolling under tables to hide. In fact, it was really fun!

But when I reached the aisle with the books I needed, someone was already there. I was thinking about crawling under the tables to wait for them to leave, except then I noticed what they were doing and who it was.

Blaise Zabini, Draco Malfoy's best friend. He was sitting in front of the shelf I wanted but had the books open in front of him and his wand out, copying pages straight out and making all the information appear on pieces of parchment which he also had on the desk near him.

I just _knew_ he was doing it for Malfoy!

So, in a blind rage, I stood from the floor and stormed over to him.

"Hand it over, Zabini," I said, putting a hand out expectantly and tapping my foot.

He flinched and turned around, eyes wide as he saw me standing there. But then he just rolled his eyes and scoffed, turning back to what he was doing.

"I should have known it was you, Muffin," he said. "Draco told me to keep an eye out for you."

"Congratulations he's not as dumb as he looks. Now give me the books," I said a bit more firmly than before. Zabini paused but didn't look back at me.

"Just the books?" he asked.

"Of course just the books!" I snapped, folding my arms. "It's not like I want your silly paper. You might forget to add something important!"

"Wait," Zabini turned around then and looked at me curiously. "Are you planning on doing exactly the same thing I'm doing or are you planning on borrowing the books without actually _borrowing_ them?"

"Don't be silly," I hissed quietly, glancing around cautiously before looking back at him again. "Of course I'm going to do what you're doing."

"Why don't you just tell me which pages to copy and I'll do it for you?" he suggested.

"Then you'll make doubles and give them to Malfoy," I huffed. A thought suddenly occurred to me and I gasped. "Wait, you're allowed to be in here! Why don't you just borrow the books and take them to him?"

"Trust me, I asked him the same thing but he said no. I don't know why..." Zabini trailed off and frowned.

"Well, you know," I looked down at his pile of parchment again. "You seem to have plenty of information for Malfoy already. Why not borrow the books and let me have them?"

Zabini chuckled and shook his head in amusement.

"I'm guessing that's a no." I sighed and folded my arms, glancing over my shoulder just to make sure Madame Pince wasn't sneaking up on me. That would be scary. Like a horror movie.

"You guessed right. Malfoy would kill me if he found out I let you use them," he pointed out.

"Even though it's quite obvious that he wouldn't have to find out," I began a retort. "I don't think I'd ever be able to live it down if I allowed you to help me. So just give me the books and let me copy down the information like you've done."

"You didn't even bring any parchment with you," Zabini said, ever-so-smart today.

"And I care because?" I asked stubbornly.

With a laugh, he stood and gathered his own parchment, beginning to walk away. "Whatever, I'll see you around Muffin."

"Not if I can help it," I grumbled, sitting down in the seat he had just emptied and searching quickly through the books for the best information.

I didn't hear Zabini mutter, as he walked off, "Oh I definitely will be seeing you around a lot more before long. As soon as he realises for himself."

I was thoroughly caught up in my own thoughts as I began reading and didn't even realise the passing of time. I had forgotten about my plan to copy the notes and instead was simply reading, much like I'd seen Hermione do many times.

The only reason I came out of this stupor was because I was rather roughly jerked from side to side by Nat, who had showed up seemingly from nowhere and succeeded in making me scream in surprise.

"Shush! You'll have Madame Pince on us in a second if you keep that up!" Nat scolded, tapping my head gently.

"I didn't hear you come up! What if it had been Madame Pince? She'd ban me from the library for a week!" I squealed quietly, my eyes darting around in terror.

"What did you do this time?" she asked curiously, frowning.

"I argued with Malfoy a little too loudly. What's the time?" I asked desperately, standing up from the desk and grabbing her wrist to see if she was wearing a watch.

"Whoa, calm down," she said, pushing me away slightly. "At least you're still aware you have things to do. But before you go to quidditch practice you need to eat some food. So if you'd like to come with me I'll take you to the Great Hall where we can-"

"It's time for dinner?" I exclaimed in shock and then winced, realising my voice was still a bit too loud.

"Yes... what did you think it was time for?" Nat asked.

"I just wanted to know how long I'd been sitting there with the possibility of being spotted by Madame Pince!"

"You really got her upset, did you?" Nat laughed.

"Yes! She said I couldn't come back into the library until tomorrow!" I explained.

"And you... quite obviously disobeyed her. No wonder you're so worried! You were majorly zoned reading your book. Did you actually understand any of it?" she asked teasingly.

"Actually, yes. I feel like I know the subject back to front and inside out," I said slowly.

"Good, then we can leave." Nat pulled me along behind her, heading towards the doors.

Sadly, Madame Pince was sitting at her desk so I had to hide behind a book shelf and wait for a moment. But it was soon evident that she was not going to move.

"What do I do?" I whispered to Nat who was watching me in amusement.

"You are wearing robes, remember?" she pointed out and my eyes widened in enlightenment as I realised that was true. So, in the next instant I had pulled the hood of my robes over my head and we were able to walk towards the doors calmly since Madame Pince wouldn't be able to see who I was.

Deciding to help even more, Nat began to speak to me loudly as we neared the doors. "Yes, Hermione, that's exactly what I was thinking."

I had one hand on the door handle when a voice made us both stop.

"Sorry, what did you say?"

We turned, horrified, to see Hermione walking up towards us. I became doubly horrified when I looked across and saw Madame Pince standing up and glaring over at me.

"Run!" I yelled to Nat, pushing her before spinning and yanking the door open, dashing through it and beginning to run as fast as I could down the corridor.

It wasn't long before I found myself tripping on something and screamed as I came crashing to the ground. What a horrible set-back!

Just when I was about to get up and continue running, I heard the laughing and lifted my head to see none other than Malfoy, holding his sides and shaking his head in amusement.

"Malfoy? Honestly, that was the lowest possible thing you could have done!" I yelled at him, pushing myself up and storming over to him. I couldn't _believe_ he had tripped me!

"That was priceless! Didn't you see me? I honestly thought you had!" he continued to laugh, even though I was now standing right in front of him and shoving my face in his, trying to make him uncomfortable enough to SHUT UP!

"What were you trying to achieve, huh? Huh? _Huh?_" I yelled.

"Exactly what happened!" He turned away then, his eyes closed as he laughed harder and harder by the second. Apparently my reaction to what had happened as well as _what had happened_ was very funny. I wasn't seeing it.

But then I heard it.

"Miss Muffin! Come here right now!"

My face paled as I heard Madame Pince calling and I stood, frozen, for a moment. There was no way I could turn back and face her. She'd ban me from the library until Christmas! What was I going to do?

"Malfoy..." I said quietly, my eyes slowly lifting to meet his. He raised an eyebrow, no longer laughing but only smirking. "If you help me escape right now I promise I'll help you with your Potions assignment."

His other eyebrow suddenly shot up to meet the other and he stared in shock before letting out a short, barking laugh. "Deal!"

Pulling out his wand, he shouted something I didn't hear and there was a loud bang from behind me. I didn't have enough time to turn and see what he'd done to Madame Pince before he was laughing again and dragging me away from the crime scene. My mouth had dropped open permanently in shock and I couldn't believe what was happening, but thankfully my legs were working just fine and continued to propel me down the corridor beside Malfoy.

Thanks to him, I was probably going to be expelled. Oh well, I'd tell him later that he wasn't getting any help with Potions.

For now, we really did need to run as fast as humanly possible.

I wasn't quite sure of how much time we spent running crazily through the halls of the Hogwarts castle, dashing up and down stairs, spinning around when we reached dead ends and pushing doors open so hard they slammed against the wall as we passed.

But eventually we came to a stop.

"That was fun." Malfoy grinned as we leant against a wall to get our breath back.

"I'm definitely hungry now," I sighed. "And what on earth did you do to Madame Pince?"

"Nothing too bad. I just created a confundment cloud so she'll be a bit confused for a few days. It's not permanent though. I knew you wouldn't be happy if it was," Malfoy laughed.

"At least it's not as bad as I thought," I sighed.

"So, are you really going to help me with my Potions assignment?" Malfoy asked, stepping slightly closer to me and smirking again.

"Maybe later. I really need to go eat dinner because I have quidditch practice after that," I said, turning to walk off.

"Fine," Malfoy shrugged. "But I'll hold you to that."


End file.
